I’m a perfectionist, born and bred. I’ve always tried to do everything as perfectly as possible.
But things are different now. I work at least 30 hours a week. I have two active children, a puppy who likes lots of walks, and a husband. For “me” time, I exercise and volunteer for community committees for the Indianapolis Super Bowl and the Big Ten Basketball Tournament.
So I’ve given up on perfect, and I’m working on balance.
Balance means making sure my kids get three square meals a day (the old, perfectionist me would never have counted cereal with milk as dinner.) It means homework and “work” work are finished, the bills are paid, and everything else can wait.
And it means saying no sometimes—the perfectionist me had a hard time saying no. The balanced me knows I can’t be on every committee in town. It means I haven’t created a Facebook account or Twittered. I won’t win every race I run, and I can’t help with every school activity and church food drive. I’m not perfect, and I’m learning to be okay with that.
Still, I would appreciate any tips. When you’ve been a lifelong perfectionist, how do you turn it off? How do you find balance?
Posts
I always remember my grandmother’s words of wisdom. Do everything in life in moderation.
if I want to volunteer, i find something that takes only hours i have available.
if I want to cook a gourmet meal for my family, i do it once a week.
If I want to buy a new toaster, i buy the mid-priced items.
It applies to everything…
I think you have to re-evaluate your definition of perfection. Perfectionists see things from their own perspective (I know, I am one). But the way we see things is often skewed - it’s too exacting. I don’t mean to say we see things more clearly, or better, or more precisely. I mean we see things at a miniscule, exacting level. And since that’s a view only WE have, it means we are only trying to please ourselves.
Your children don’t stop for one second to think that cereal for dinner is wrong. Assuming it’s a cereal they like, they’re happy to have it. Your dog wants attention, period. Whether that’s a half hour walk or 10 minutes playing ball, he’s happy (there’s no mental checklist of slights in his little doggie brain). The world won’t stop if the cleaned clothes are left in a laundry basket for a day (or a week :-).
My anti-perfectionist tips:
Try to see things from others’ perspectives, and many of the things you agonize about will lessen in importance.
Delete the word “should” from your mental vocabulary. Replace it with “when I have time, I will…”.
And give up the guilt. It’s overrated.
Perfectionism is somebody else’s expectation set that’s trained your mind.
Go for perfection and you’ll get in a bind.
Just pick the ones that you like with zeal
And handle the rest of them with aplomb and zeal.
The ones that really count you’ll know
By how much you’re jazzed and how you crow
Because you aren’t divine and you’re not the next savior
You’re just human, you’re just trapped in unrealistic behavior.
Fear of embarrassment can hold you down
As courage to fail isn’t a thorny crown
Instead, focus your energy on the things that count
And prevent the devil of the details which always mount
From letting your breathe, and your accomplishments flaunt.
One day, we don’t know when, might be tomorrow, your breaths might stop
That long list of goals, admirably thought
Won’t get accomplished, and your spirit will move someplace else, you see
And so for today, do what you can because tomorrow might be…..
Dianna,
Perfectionism is like any other addiction: The first step in recovery is recognizing the challenge. Congratulations! You are on your way.
A recovering perfectionist…among other things,
Sandi
Dianna,
I was a perfectionist a long time ago. Beware, you may find the pendulum swings way the other direction, as I did!
Now, I feel balanced most days. I believe and teach balance starts on the inside. When you are balanced inside it is easy to say no to activities inconsistent with your intention. I find internal balance has a funny result of expanding time too!
The most efficient way to get more done well is to keep breathing deeply and bend your knees (be flexible).
From center, Karen Valencic
Thanks for the really great feedback. I think I’ll print a couple of these and hang them where I’m reminded of them often! Keep the ideas coming…
oooh, you work 30 whole hours a week (OMG!) plus two children AND a husband, with just a few precious minutes left to volunteer for such rewarding activities as helping the poor millionaire football/basketball players in the community? why you poor, poor dear…how do you ever manage to find the time or the energy? I can’t imagine you’ll ever find balance if you have such a screwed up perspective on life that you think your situation is challenging or hard!
Why I only work 60 hours a week as a nurse and single mom trying to keep a roof over the kids heads, food in their mouths and heat in the house…and in the little spare time I do have left over, I help to provide health care for homeless and uninsured in out city because all the freakin’ money is spent on welfare to millionaire football/ basketball teams instead of on schools, health care, street repairs, etc.
Wow, isn’t THAT ironic?!
It never ceases to amaze me how ignorant, pathetic, and whiney you over-educated, privileged, upper-middle class (assuming together you and hubby make over $100K/ year?) white folks can be…try having some REAL challenges in life and then come talk to me…otherwise STFU and be grateful for everything you have..perfectionist, indeed!
Wow–I find it ironic that Joelle’s super-hard life still allows her the time to be so hateful about Dianna. Everyone has his or her own challenges, and you can spend your energy overcoming them or being bitter about them.