Co-workers find all kinds of things to be resentful about: He has the best stapler. She has the biggest office. He’s hungover every Friday.
But nothing breeds more resentment than co-workers’ kids. Colleagues who have children miss work all the time, due to sick babies, day care disasters, school closings, parent-teacher meetings, soccer practice, orthodontist appointments and on and on. And even when parents are at work, they’re on the phone–with teachers, babysitters, camp counselors, grandparents.
Meanwhile, non-parent co-workers quietly seethe, “He leaves at 5 o’clock on the dot to pick up his kids, so I’m stuck working late,” and “I’ll never act like that when I have kids.” People with kids often get paid more—through salary and/or benefits—and they aren’t considered rude when they answer their cell phones during meetings. And freebies are routinely offered to parents first—“for the kids.”
Is it fair? No. But someday, you’ll either be a parent, or you’ll need one of those former kids to be a well-behaved adult, to work alongside you or push your wheelchair in the old-folks home. And then you’ll be glad that colleagues with kids got a little leeway to attend to those children.
Or will you?
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As a non-parent, I fully understand what Liz means. That said, I tend to resent these kinds of parents (after all, my parents once did the same thing for me) much less than the kind who constantly boast about their children’s acheivements or recount every yawn-inducing detail of their child’s day. And no, Liz, you did not do that when we were colleagues. Nat is a gem.
In my experience, those people who “seethe” will “seethe” whether it’s about parents with children who get special treatment or co-workers who take smoke breaks twice a day while they get none. Life is NOT fair. That’s a lesson I learned from my 6th grade teacher. Deal with it. Move on. Why waste very good energy on being jealous of what others have? Channel that energy into something more positive, more powerful. Be thankful for what you have.
People are in charge of their own emotions and life choices. Those that might grouse about seemingly different choices on the part of others, don’t have to live in their shoes with their responsibilities (or by contrast, lack of them).
There is additionally, IMHO, the nexus of not burdening others with the choices you’ve made as well. After being the father/parent four stepchildren and two children, most of them now through college, I’ve tried to keep my personal responsibilities for my children a separate goal list from my professional goals and responsibilities to those I work for. Once in a while, leeway was granted for necessary time commitments and the occasional interruption. Habituating parenting at work gives rise to the question of whether you’re working, or parenting on someone else’s commitment of time. These will always be a conundrum, but in the end, living up to commitments and responsibilities pays off– but you need to remember the commitments pledged and to whom they were pledged.
And the resentfulness is an emotion owned by those that feel resentful. We are not dependent on their emotions for our own esteem and accomplishments of committed responsibilities. When your emotions become dependent on the emotions of others, this is a condition known as co-dependency, and it’s ultimately dysfunctional, IMHO.
Having raised three kids while working, I will be eternally grateful to co-workers who understood when kids impinged on my work life. In fact, I can’t think of anyone who did not understand. Co-workers covered for me when the school nurse called to say I needed to make an emergency pick-up. A boss let my six year old son, mildly ill and very clingy, sit on my lap during a meeting. Many welcomed my children in the work space on occasion and questioned them about school and their lives with respect and genuine interest. These gestures of acceptance made me more loyal and more eager to make up time lost due to children by working at home in the evening or coming in on weekends. With my own experience in mind, I have encouraged a climate of acceptance both for the demands placed by family life and the appearance of little people in our offices. If there are staff members who grumble, I haven’t noticed. In general, a work atmosphere that accepts the children of co-workers is one that accepts and respects co-workers as well.
Thanks for all the thoughtful comments! I, too, have been fortunate to work with people who value having parents in their midst–but I’ve also been careful not to take advantage of their good will. I believe that smart employers allow workers a finite number of days off, and don’t care how employees use those days–whether to attend to a sick child or go to a movie matinee. But it’s the job of the employee to weigh the reason for time off against the demands of the workplace. And let’s face it–parents or not, some people do that better than others.
You know Rosenthal makes a great point. While I’m without child, I get joy seeing other co-workers bring in their children. Granted, they’re well-behaved (makes a BIG difference); they fill the office with a different, more refreshing energy. When I first started working for my present employer, and was drawn from my office by ruckus of what seemed like a party erupting in the work room, I discovered an almost family reunion atmosphere — truly refreshing.
That’s when I knew my employer valued family and his employees too. When a family emergency befell my clan, I did not hesitate to implore the help of my co-workers and my CEO either.
Excellent post Liz. Look forward to more.
Fresh out of college and working a second job as a waitress, I got to know a widowed older woman who was a “regular” at our restaurant. Her career was in administration at a hospital, and she worked every, single holiday. Her reason? She had raised her kids and wanted others to be able to have special moments with their families. What a good lesson to learn as an early-20-something.
Fast forward 20 years. I’m childless not by choice but by circumstance. What I’ve learned is that even though I don’t have kids of my own to dictate how I manage my hours and availability, I’m solely in control of placing value on my non-work life. If I want to leave at 5:00 on the dot to go to a nephew’s baseball game or work in my yard, that’s within my ability to control. Resenting others won’t cause me to be more deliberate about my own life.
And I’d venture a guess that there are often times a parent experiences a hugely heightened level of stress because of those very same unexpected child situations that can cause resentment in others.
Speaking only for myself as a non-parent, my issue isn’t resenting the working parents for their obvious care and concern for their children (I would be concerned if they weren’t caring) but with certain parents who take liberties with company and co-worker generosity and seem to be asserting that their lives and the people in them are more important than anyone elses. Assuming the company gives everyone X amount of hours for personal/holiday time, I don’t care how you individually use your time. But if you use up your entire allotment in bits and pieces for doctor’s visits and field trips and whatever else, that should be it. And please don’t bring little Jenny with the sniffles to work with you. Just go home. You’re probably not going to get much done at work anyway and waste hours with everyone coming by and telling her how big she’s grown. Things like that are for company picnics. I’m not suggesting that we check our whole lives at the door. Just that the respect for everyone’s home life and time spent off from work is mutual and appropriate.
A final word regarding cell phones ringing during meetings… it is beyond rude, regardless of the reason. Set it to stun, and if you spy the 911 on the screen, get up and leave the room.
With all the focus being placed on what working parents “get” as a result of their status, let’s not forget what they give up. As a single working mom, I need to leave the office at 5:00 or before to tend to the needs of my children. I miss out on all those career-advancing, after hours opportunities to - in a more relaxed environment than the 8-to-5 grind affords - discuss big thinking, craft thoughtful memos and email responses, grab a glass of pinot with the boss. I have to do in eight hours what my non-parent co-workers do in 10, or 12. As a result, I’m viewed as not so much fun, not so relaxed, not someone you’ll get to know over an actual lunch hour as opposed to a yogurt gulped at my desk. More importantly, working parents give up peace of mind. No matter where I am, I feel guilty - that I can’t be a full-time mother and a full-time professional without asking everyone to give something up, even the people who shouldn’t have to.